Today October 4th, my husband Hasani and I celebrated 12 years of marriage!! If you follow me on any of my social media sites you know that I celebrated our love all day. I spammed timelines throughout the day of pictures from our past and current love story. Part of my reason for spamming timelines was because I wanted my friends and family to see the positive depiction of “black love”. Not often do we see a positive depiction of “black love” in our families or within our communities. Our social media feeds are often littered with stereotypes of what our society has portrayed “black love” to look like. The narrative is often portrayed as the single mom raising her children alone or the baby daddy that has abandoned his baby mama. Yes, we can look at Michelle and Barack or Lebron and Savannah as a positive reflection of “black love”; however, it is different when it is reflected within your own peer group or community.
12 years a wife!! What does that even mean?! That means that over the past 12 years I have learned a lot about myself as a woman and as a person. Over the past 12 years I have grown from a 24 year old young lady to a 36 year old woman, mother of 3. I am nowhere near the young lady I was 12 years ago. 12 years ago I was in my last year of graduate school and if I could just be honest I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Truthfully, all I knew is that I loved Hasani and that he wanted me to be his wife and I wanted him to be my husband. There was no blueprint that we had to go by it was just up to us and God.
As I mentioned I have grown so much since the day I said “I do” 12 years ago. The next question that may come to your mind is “how have you grown as a woman and as a wife in 12 years”? Well, I am going to share with you 12 things that I have learned over the last 12 years that has shaped me as a woman and as a wife.
- I have learned to pray and seek God first in all things regarding my marriage and my life.
- I have learned to work through my own trauma and not displace it.
- I have learned to befriend other Christian married women and seek marital consult from them when needed.
- I have learned to find myself a hobby or invest in things that interest me outside of my marriage.
- I have learned that all battles are not worth fighting.
- I have learned that my husband comes before my children and before all others, everyone except God.
- I have learned to keep people out of my marriage.
- I have learned that I am not his mother and I cannot fix nor change him.
- I have learned to accept him and his flaws.
- I have learned that I am not perfect and neither is he.
- I have learned that having fun and laughing is a necessity.
- I have learned that I am a movement by myself but I am force when we’re together.
So there you have it, 12 things that I have learned over the course of 12 years of marriage. Neither Hasani or I grew up in homes were marriage was depicted in a positive manner. His parents divorced when he was in the 8th grade and I was raised by a single mother. We are both dedicated to changing the narrative of what marriage looked like for us growing up. These 12 lessons are lessons that I have had to learn by trial and error or just by looking at other people’s marriages.
My prayer is that my daughter will see in her father how her future husband should treat her and also how her future husband should lead and protect his family. I want our children to see that marriage is favorable and honorable and that it is by God’s design for you to love someone just as God loves you.
Now whether you are married or not, I pray that you can take at least one of the 12 things that I have learned and apply it to your own marriage or relationship. Marriage is work and it takes two!!